push : pull

Massive session at the gym.

I pushed through some big shit that’s been pissing me off and bugging me for ages as I did these squat exercise on this machine.  Feeling freaking stoked for me too – trainer put the weight up from 20kg to 40kg and I managed it well. Unfortunately – my body discovered a couple of new muscles and immediately after the 3rd set.  First time experience of cramp up close and personal to me female bits … I got on the floor and trainer crossed one of my legs over the other and laid into it – oh the relief was almost instant.

I’ve been working to develop strength in my arms to be able to do push ups.  You seen that movie GI Jane?  And Demi Moore does those push ups?  Yeah – that’s gonna me.  I gotta prove to myself that I’m not the useless piece of shit that so many people have needed me to be so as to be comfortable in their dysfunction, denial and entitlement.  I’ve already proven so much to myself – now it’s time to get my body where I want it to be.

Trainer also noted and stoked my fire of encouragement by expressing awesomeness at my RPM’s on the bike too.  I can manage being on L6 for a bit longer than 3 mins now with RPM’s between 94 – 97.  I’m gonna ask them to make a video for me the day I get on that bike and hit 115 RPM’s.

I also used the ropes for the first time today.  Fucking intense. It really fucked up some other head shit I’ve had going on & after 3 sets that head shit had pretty much sorted itself out.  Fuck it was awesome!  Trainer said they’re gonna ramp up my programme again – less exercises – more intensity and weight.

Me = fucking stoked.

They honour me greatly by seeing me.

I am not fucking useless.

I am physically very strong.  And I am learning how to be in my body in a way that allows me to -> feel good <- about me.  They do not mamby pamby me – they support me, they nurture me when I’ve hit that proverbial wall before.  And they give me a programme that strengthens and challenges me mentally, as well as physically.

They listen to me – not just hear me and then go off in their own minds with their own agenda.  I feel respected – AND – I feel in charge of my process.   These are brand new feelings to me around my body stuff.  I respect them so much.

I went to the gym by myself yesterday.  No trainers.  Just me.  The gym was packed.  I walked around some areas of the gym like I owned the place – and other areas I certainly felt the surge of ‘who the fuck are you’.  I kept my shoulders down, back straight, head and chin level & even though inside I felt anxious at times – I kept going – I kept walking around the various areas of the gym I wanted to be in.  I found a quiet space to do one of the exercises in too and that was awesome to create that space just for me to be in.  I felt so proud.  Strengthened.  And happy.