Kai break

McDonalds drive-thru Mon, 17th Sept

The week of September the 17th was my last feed of McDonalds & KFC.  My disordered eating stuff has been riotous this year.  It had been no secret – that I was eating McDonalds for breakfast – getting stoned on shit food basically, so I could extinguish the high anxiety long enough to get myself in through the doors of the gym.  My trainers and I laughed hardheartedly when I told them one morning that I’d hit a new low – I’d eaten McDonalds in the gym car park!

I once had a flatmate – who was cough medicine addicted.  I had no idea until one day I went to check her spare tyre before going on a weekend trip with her – I lifted her boot and it was littered with the empty boxes of a brand of cough syrup, which at the time here in NZ, a person needed to sign for prior to purchasing over the counter.  I realised then, that she had been travelling around the country buying her drug of choice at multiple locations.  I had almost become the same with  my want to quell anxiety by using McDonalds.  The back of my car was looking more like the car park of a McDonalds late Fri / Sat night … littered with McD branded rubbish.

I have felt bereft and desolate for much of this year.  I have been stripped down by my own conscious process to expose aspects of my internal being for strengthening purposes.  I have largely been able to succeed.   YET – the evidence that I wasn’t doing such a great job was building in the back of my car.  Another realisation I had – which really turned it around for me, was when I caught myself in town early hours going from car park to car park in my car feeling desperate for company – desperate for someone who would have the humility and strength to hear me multiple times over – knowing there is no such person, so again turning to my longest serving friend – McDonalds & KFC.

That was the week I realised how naked and alone I truly am on this planet.  So I let go of the need, of the wanting for truthful people.  I suspect I have been trying too hard to source friendships that are mutually transparent.  I had allowed myself to bow down to too much of other peoples ill beliefs – dysfunction and self righteousness.  I had allowed myself to again become enslaved and / or imprisoned to other peoples wants.

I had again allowed myself to be used.

And so I’ve cut off.

It has been over a month since I last fed on McDonalds / KFC.  I went through the McD drive-thru last week and ordered a coffee.  I drove out of there feeling so damn proud of myself.  I am almost back in the routine of eating dinner every night here at home.  I began having breakfast here at home – cooking me some eggs and having them with toast.  I cut back on buying coffee like it’s a commodity.   I realised I was using it as a socially acceptable way to avoid stuff.  There is quite a smug community of coffee drinkers – like smokers – there’s a certain attitude that goes with the addiction process.  And what I know about addiction from lived and academic experiences is that the weak seek out the weak.  In other words – people who are unable to stand on their own feet without the aide of substances have a lot of growing up to do.

I’d allowed myself to travel back down through the realm of age and in the process, I remembered that I had grown up, and that I was no longer weak, and that I was cherished by many.