1st smallfeather

I struggle to eat food in the mornings.  Kaiwhakaora Kai, a while back suggested that I buy Up’n’Go and have one of those each morning.  Another suggestion was that I alternate Up’n’Go with a Hot Chocolate for breakfast, and I was very happy to do that.  My first Up’n’Go was a Chocolate Ice one.  OMG – it was divine!  And I sipped on it so I could pull out the various tastes one by one and self determine what it was that I actually liked about the breakfast drink.

Because Up’n’Go was a new thing to me – and a product I’d never buy ordinarily, I took my sweet time sipping away on the single serving carton.  I came to realise part way through that mornings breakfast ceremony, that I was pretty much retraining myself how to eat properly.  That may seem weird or even confusing to some reading.  Imagine Cookie Monster from Sesame Street for a few seconds … you know how he devours Cookies right?  Well, now imagine me eating anything and everything  Not pretty right?  So when I say “eating properly”, I mean slowing right down – like Cookie Monster in slow motion – and way less messy.

Fast forward a year and I’m mostly doing Hot Chocolates now.  The price of Up’n’Go caused me to make executive decisions and eating well is not cost effective on extremely limited income.  I have however, begun branching out into the world of breakfast cereals.  My first stop has been Porridge.  Well, Porridge wasn’t the go.  So I bought Milk Oaties.  I struggled there as well, even with Raisins plonked on top I struggled to get through half a mug of the stuff.  I gave up and maintained the Hot Chocolate.

I spoke with Kaiwhakaora Kai during the week about the Porridge thing and she served up a heap of suggestions such as yoghurt – in particular Lite Greek Natural yoghurt.  She wondered if I could get that down my gob with less stress seeing the yoghurt would change the texture of the Porridge immediately.  Kaiwhakaora Kai gave me a Yoghurt Maker about a year ago as well when she was taking a box of stuff to an Op Shop.  So I went to the Supermarket afterwards and bought a sachet of the Lite Greek and 2 more sachets of other fruit flavoured mixes.

At home I already had an opened litre of Yoplait Pineapple and Coconut Yoghurt that I was struggling to get through – mostly because I do not like Pineapple or Coconut (I know – wtf was I thinking?).  So the very next morning I made a single serving of Porridge, dropped in around 6 Raisins and about half a cup of the Yoplait yoghurt.  I carefully stirred it in and tasted it hoping for the very best …

I gotta tell ya – it was delicious.  No.  Not just delicious.  Freaking delicious.  So delicious in fact that I have been unable to make another bowl of it in case I no longer like it.  I would feel like I’ve successfully completed another “fail” on the morning food front if that were to happen.


Psychologically, food is a sensitive issue that is combined rather compactly with the myriad of other sensitive issues that complete me. The best news is, I’m doing okay – even when life gets me down and even when big things happen that screw me over, and even when I feel so happy that it would be so easy to sneakily eat something falsely believing that I could get away with it – like, it would be okay etc … It’s not okay.  IF you’ve never relapsed either with food or any other chemical substance, you’re not qualified to tell me any differently.

Sooooo – I’m gonna have to write myself a post about relapse prevention surrounding my food behaviours etc that will serve to help me remember the reality of coming back from a relapse is actually like.  AND while I’m reminding myself of such things, I’d be a great idea to write a post about what the people around me were like when I gave up other chemical addictions – and how many of those people attempted to pull me down – and, what it was like when I did relapse.  And how scared I was being so unsure whether I wanted to get back on the recovery bus at all.  Food has the exact same pull for me that any drug I’ve ever used did.  It’s my last bastion.