Easter is almost over. My first year without Easter eggs or hot cross buns. I don’t think I even realised that Easter had arrived until yesterday afternoon. Probably just as well. I recall one year throwing out hot crosfreezer for the birds. I had eaten way too many and I was actually sick of having them and my freezer.
My weekend has been difficult to get through. I briefly mentioned a couple of entries back about having decided to break the silence surrounding a sexually corrupt relationship. I am blaming myself for the damage I incurred psychologically and physically. I am upset with myself for having been unable to acknowledge and make good on the many red flags that were flapping about in my face and that I continued to ignore. On one hand I can comprehend that having come from a background of sexual trauma since infancy that the likelihood of my being able to assert myself were nil.
I want it to be over. I want my need to be punished for things that were beyond my control, over. Done with. I want to stop punishing my body. I have been unable to eat very much in the last 2 weeks. This is very unlike me. The post traumatic stress has manifested into sleepless nights many sleepless nights and unwillingness to provide myself with nourishing food. Today I’ve had zero motivation. I feel so angry that I am unable to relax enough to drift off to sleep easily.
I am not used to being on the restrictive end of disordered eating. I feel so bad for what I did to myself. I feel defective. I feel that I just don’t have a shot at something that resembles an ordinary looking life.