Not feeling so good about myself on the inside. I feel quite upset. This binge – has been a 3 week ride so far. I wrote to Kai Whakaorakai a few days ago saying that the binge was beginning to wind itself down – which translates as I had begun to feel safe emotionally and psychologically. Until last night, that was true.
Being as dissociative as I am, causes great upheaval in my life anyway – more than what anyone who doesn’t live with DID, could ever know. My frustrations are through the roof with the many attempts I make to comprehend this fucking “mindfulness” gig on every fucking level of my dissociated being isn’t helping. AND because there is no-one – like in the professional scene who can even begin to comprehend what it is to have many within to relay information to around the fucking clock and in many different dialects of the English language to aide with the understanding levels that we’re at, I’m beginning to feel judged – which in reality, is most likely untrue. Yet the professional circle of people around me at the moment, must – at some point, think to themselves “why isn’t she getting it? what’s going on with her that she’s being so resistant” etc etc etc.”
The problem is – there is no-one able to help me manage the multiple selves that I am. I don’t have the psychological tools myself to be able to pull off what’s needed for this weight loss gig. So, I am feeling now, like I am a failure. Because I am continually hearing about “mindfulness” “mindful eating” and it’s not something I can do because of the turmoil that occurs within me. Yet I can’t even express myself regarding the turmoil that goes off within – for someone to begin to understand what is happening. And so I revert back to my drug of choice – food. Which of course, then flips on the switch and it becomes a circus.
Vicious – Vicious cycle
I don’t know how to make it stop. And I feel so frustrated.