Wow – welcome to 2018, me! The last update for this journal is dated the 6th of July 2017. A lot about me, has changed – disintegrated even. And a lot about me is well, new. What has remained constant, is my unwillingness to face the fear that allows for me to hover either side of 160kg. And that, is my goal for this year in terms of my disordered eating behaviours.
Of course to some of you reading, you’ll see 155kg and baulk! You’ll most likely feel and think and have unproductive opinions to do with my target. There’ll be some of you – who will get it. You’ll know how frightening it is to lose weight – to look thinner – regardless of how fat one already is. I fought insane battles with myself to get below 150kg last year. Every time I got close to 150, I’d freak out and eventually be back up around my comfort weight of 160kg. So 155kg is going to be my new “comfort” weight to achieve.
I’ve taken a lot on this year already. Mostly other peoples reactions to my strength and my unwillingness to bend regrading a fierce alignment I have to transparency. At the same time, I have allowed myself to express the outrage I feel when people are stepping on my toes, being dishonest and / or deceitful, employing denial to protect their own fuck up’s, and I’m pushing back with more of a fierceness than ever to ensure that my basic human need to be heard no longer goes unmet in the chambers of silence.
My theme for this year is ‘fortitude’. I had to look the word up. It says “courage in pain or adversity”. Can’t say I was thrilled to learn that this year is going to be another huge one. Can say, as soon as I allowed the word to sink in, I came to realise very quickly the few things that I must bring to completion this year. It is going to take fortitude to allow me to execute what I want to do. I will be unable to do it while I’m being fucked over by people who are too [insert whatever word works] to manage their own lives.
I am going to need physical activity. I would like to participate in group stuff – classes at a gym. Can I make it happen? I don’t think so – not this year. I can continue my own source of physical activity here at home. It’s isolating, however it is vigorous – and I put myself to work outdoors for up to 6 hours a day – 4 of those hours I’m working.
#1 if you read the past entries, you’ll see that I began the process of Bariatric Surgery last year. I changed my mind – I came to realise that I simply love food too much. So I removed myself from the process.
#2 I’m no longer consuming an entire cooked chicken in one hit. I feel safe about putting it in the fridge and I have been able to casually make sandwiches from it for up to 2-3 days. This is a huge amount of progress.
#3 The ‘new’ dietitian and the rest of the PHO team came to realise in the space of one week it seemed, that they were all out of their depth with me. End result: they individually recommended that I self discharge and that they hoped they knew the door was always open for me to come back any time I needed to [feeling the condescending attitude]. I came to realise what I’d known deep down anyway – they were a form of assistance so long as I jumped through their hoops like a good well trained compliant dog. Yeah – fuck off. I’m actually a super intelligent human being deserving of a “service” so much more honourable than that.
#4 My hbA1c remains in the low 30’s. This is a very very good thing. I’ve healed myself of Diabetes Type 2.
#5 I made friends. I made mistakes thinking that some of these people were friends – I let go of ‘friends’. I am understanding the principles of friendship much better these days. It boils down to this: it’s on my terms. It’s that simple. Anything outside of that, and boom – I’m enslaved by other peoples dysfunction all over again.
#6 I found the courage to buy Beetroot – and to grate it up raw and add it to almost everything. [it was such a huge step to allow myself to do this]
#7 As much as I have moved out of the closet on a few things – there’s more to come. It’s what’s holding me captive to my weight.