Like me, why

A year or two ago I did a self help mutual help group on Disordered Eating.  The person who ran the group, also has a private practice. One of the great things about is that when I recognise I need support, I go out and find it.  Generally with little to no success, however that’s not the point.  The person who ran this DE group was amazing, is amazing.  They knew their work inside out.  They had bothered to train up in many different modalities of healing so as to reach as many people as possible.  This person absolutely inspired me.  I felt safe.  And what’s more – when other group participants dissed me, snubbed me or turned their noses up at me, this facilitator stood up for me and explained things to the group in a way that I believe assisted them to understand why I am the way that I am.

Earlier this year I felt desperate, so I reached out and I called this person 3-4 times and left messages each time.  I never heard back, and eventually I managed to get myself sorted regarding my disordered eating stuff.  Well, I’ve been in dire need of some strong strengthening assistance for weeks months now, and I decided to attempt to get in touch with this person again.  The new dietitian person did the ringing around to find the number etc and I called, left a message  and guess what?  Zero reply.  It’s been over a week.  And short of calling this person and letting them know how how bad I feel because they won’t contact me, I haven’t know what to do.

I feel so enraged.  I am under such tremendous pressure with no safety net of people who can actually support me.  I’m a lot of things right now – and unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how one wants to look at it) I’ve reverted to some big time eating to survive.  I want to say it’s been useful – and in some tiny way it has been.  The disheartening thing about it though has been that I’ve steadily been putting weight back on – and nobody gives a shit.

I have been screaming and crying pools of hot tears for months – and nobody knows how to help me.

I am almost at the point of making choices to self destruct.

I’m no lady – I don’t do things half arsed or pretty like.