Challenged

How to be nice 101: You’d think it’d be easy right?  Especially, perhaps, considering that I’m female therefore one would have expected I’d have grown clad in iron about all the protocols surrounding being nice as a girl.  Well here’s the thing – I was.  I was told a lot of things growing up as a child, as a girl child.

Here’s where this winds up: I give myself the right to complain – and to complain as high up the perceived hierarchy as is needed to ensure I am heard.  I feel for those among us who are still of the belief that they are not entitled to quality care, who believe they are on the planet to serve the needs of others mercilessly; who believe they are worthless therefore allow themselves to accept pitiful crumbs from those in positions of paid employment to care for those of us who are vulnerable.

I believe I was bullied earlier this week by someone who works in health.

I sat there in this persons room – waiting for the question “how was your week?” to come.  It never did.  Instead I was subjected to this persons agenda.  And when I did speak up for myself – this person asserted their energy over me and continued to speak as if from a position of authority.

And like the dutiful girl I was raised trained to be (which actually reads like “sit down shut the fuck up or I will hurt you”) I sat there in this persons room screaming so loud from deep inside my mind that I wondered if I may go deaf.

I have spent a few days now absolutely hating myself.  Wanting to smash my fists through pieces of wood; anything that will give a satisfying “snap” sound to relieve the tension I feel in my body.  The cycle of self hatred is preventing me from eating.  The fury I feel, the disappointment I feel, the disbelief that I feel – is all insurmountable.  It matters to no-one how I feel.  Well – that is unless I submit and carry out a series of processes that suit their agenda right??

Yeh nah go away.  I’m gonna keep hating the fuck out of myself until I find my own way out of this.

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