Thin phobic

1st smallfeather

I sat here this morning wondering about the life challenges I’ve faced thus far and how my weight loss journey is in some ways, the most difficult challenge I believe I’ve ever had.

Kai Whakaorakai spoke about how I’d already overcome drugs and alcohol – I mentioned abusive relationships too and cutting myself.  However this weight thing … fuck it blows me out.  It’d be all good if there was never a need to eat again – to be abstinent of food.  Sure – I’ve done that with alcohol, drugs, nicotine, caffeine … all physical kinds of dependencies.

I’ve given up the need for psychological dependencies as well – I mentioned my need for abusive relationships.  I walked away from the family who adopted me at birth, in 1984.  I was 14.  I went back once when I was 30 – I managed it for a year before I decided “nah – fuck this.  They may think of me as their family etc however family do NOT speak, think, act nor believe they are entitled to put me down”.   I walked away from my adult son in Dec of 2015.  That decision included the need to let go of my granddaughter as well.  Dec 2016 I made the decision to walk away from my birth family.

I grew tired of having to jump through other peoples hoops to have a relationship with them.  So I stopped jumping through their hoops and what happened?  I was read the riot act by my son and the mother of my moko (granddaughter) – hence the decision to respect myself and walk away from them.  My birth family chose to play the card of Denial and to continue their patterns of blaming someone external of themselves ie me, for their short comings instead of looking at their own and my adopted family chose the well worn card of saying that I was a mental health hazard.  My brother from that family actually told me I was fucking dangerous and unpredictable.  I later fired back at him that he was so right.

Anyone – and I mean anyone, who has something to hide, will feel threatened by me.  And the ONLY thing that is ever safe to predict about me is this – I am unpredictable.   Make of that what you will.  I know what I’m about at the end of the day.  I no longer make apologies for who I am.

This must have all been needed to be said.  It’s so not what I started out this entry to say.  Journey well.