Rough night

1st smallfeather

Rough night.

On of the many resentments I have in this lifetime is that like so many of them before this one, I have chosen to walk it alone.  I have not had good success with having friendships in my day to day life.  I find my innate desire for connection to others – community as such, too often has transpired into battles of will, power and control trips, guilt trips, pregnancies, addictions, disordered eating behaviours and on and on the list goes.

I have pretty much always stood alone.  Even in crowds of people.  I have either been the one all locked up in my body and wishing others away from me, or I’ve been the mouthpiece for many.  Looking back over my current lifetime here, it has only been the last 54 weeks where I have not only stepped up for myself and myself alone, I have also only spoken out for myself and myself alone.

Here’s the difference.

I came to intimately know without any doubt, that nobody gives a shit about me to the point where they’re able to or willing for that matter, to step up to the plate for me.  So then did I retaliate in my stance to only speak and stand for myself?  No.  I’m far from that shallow.  I gave myself permission to think more highly of myself (for a change) than other people.  I gave myself permission to open up and walk through doors that would ultimately lead to me being able to create the life I am doing so now.  I couldn’t do that with other people in my life.  I have continually attracted people – psi vamps, empty vessels, people with unresolved parental needs, people with unresolved abuse issues, people unwilling to step up for themselves and so on.

I have been challenged by many a person, surrounding the appearance of unlimited caring energy I have for others.  I have been accused of being a rescuer, co-dependant and all those types of delicious behaviours that people of the so called real world envelope themselves into.  Not too often, have those who have challenged me, been correct.

54 weeks ago was both the most amazing and most painful experience / pivotal moment of my entire adult life.  It’s where I bowed down to myself and quietly said “no more”.  I made a choice which basically reduced to choosing to live, or choosing to suffer.  It was that black and white.

I chose to live.

One of the pitfalls of my decision to live has seen that I spend my life alone.  Coming to accept this, has been so difficult – and IS so difficult.  Cue resentment.  Most of the people I know who are walking their talk proudly and who either have carved out a tremendous creative life for themselves or are in the process of carving one, have partners.  I do not.  The people who have come into my life in the last year have been tremendous influences – productive influences.  Their courage and determination to leave no stone unturned has only served to inspire me so greatly.  I have not felt the love of others so deeply in over 20 years.

They all have partners.  Some have young children.  Their time and energy is very limited to what they’re able to share and bring to the table that I also feed from.  And it pains me so greatly.  So greatly.  How I long for the comfort of another human being capable of holding all of who I am.  How I long to share the world of my life with another equally capable reciprocation.

Yet.  Judging by the way my life has shaped this time around – and the choices I have made (and the ones I failed to make yet in a very round about manner, were and are, still choices I made) – I am reasonably confident that I’m here alone this time around too.  I say “reasonably” confident because there is a part of me that will always hold out hope that this Amazonian warrior will find her equal.  Or that he will find me.

Bringing all this full circle – I had rough night.  Woke up starving around 3:15am.  I was finishing off 3 fried pork chops by 3:30am and still looking for more to eat.  I could have emptied out the entire contents of my fridge had I of allowed myself to.  I crunched on some Brazil nuts and Roasted Almonds and grabbed a Banana to take back to bed with me sometime around 4:30am.

I have something very important to do later on this weekend.  I am choosing to let go of someone who in many ways has been a wonderful friend in terms of lessening the loneliness I have felt.  I am certain I have also fed unfulfilled needs of hers.  It is time for me to honour something that needs doing.  Something that I have known needed doing for some time now.  And once I do this specific ritual, I’ll be done with a specific need I have within me that attracts, likes, wants, desires a specific type of personality.

As I was waking earlier this morning, I stood out on my front deck and realised that I was becoming intimately involved with food (again) to replace the human desire I have for community and connection with people I so desperately believe I need, want and desire.  My fridge is now full of vegetables and fruit.  I have some natural yoghurt and a bit of cheese in there also.

I am making up a heap of Hummus and Falafel this weekend that can be freezed.  This time around I will be making better choices about the types of food I become friends with.  And making better peace with myself over a few deep issues.