The build up to Christmas has been nothing in comparison to the lead up to today. It’s been a year since I made the amazing decision to walk away from my 4 year old grand-daughter, her mother and my son.
Although I am still extremely proud of myself for the decision I made, I have some tense times when I can not stop thinking about my moko – my granddaughter. I have wanted to look for her when school is out and I have wanted to drive past another grandparents house who has a lot to do with our moko. I’ve done neither. I am a lot of things … a stalker isn’t one of them.
I am of the belief that many of us, if not all of us, sign a soul contract that outlines the course our life here on Earth will take. I believe we choose our experiences. All of them. So, if you come from a background of abuse like I do, you chose to have those experiences before coming to Earth.
Based on that belief, I rest easy knowing that my moko signed up for the life she has had thus far. And, it hasn’t been an easy one for her. She already has suffered much loss. Her father and mother fell apart. And then her Nanny walks away with absolutely no explanation given to her from me. Being human is not easy. Nor is living lies. Or jumping through other peoples hoops for their comfort, for their control. For their sense of power.
I’d had enough of having to sell my soul in order to have connection with my granddaughter. I stopped jumping through the hoops for her parents and her parents went ballistic about it – they even stooped low enough so as to prevent moko and I spending our first Christmas together.
I am very resentful still. I am very very angry at how that woman believed it is and was okay to speak to me, to lie to me the way that she did. I am devastated that my moko is growing up in a plastic white environment when she is Māori. I could accuse my son and his ex partner of many things. However it does not change the fact that I made a decision to walk away because I was done with having to jump through hoops that were dishonest – I was being dishonest by consenting to jump through those hoops just for the sake of having my moko in my life.
I held in there for 3 years. I wasn’t okay with hearing the way the mother of my moko spoke about her father in front of her. I wasn’t okay knowing what it was that her mother would be saying about me within earshot of my moko. And most importantly, I wasn’t okay with having to sell my soul any more.
So the build up to today has been intense. I have cried a fair bit. I have ranted and raved. I have felt extremely disappointed, and discouraged by friends caught up in either spitting tacks all over FaceBook about Christmas and consumerism or being overwhelmed due to their lack of organisational skills. Either way, I was forgotten about. And I reverted back to the only friend I have ever really had … food.
It’s been a very sad choice to make – to eat like I have been, in order to manage the range of emotions I am feeling. I have eaten perhaps 3 loaves of bread already this week and around 5 avocado, too many boiled eggs and that’s been it.
I have not bought vegetables for over a month. And aside from the nuts and pineapple – well, that’s been it. I did buy another pineapple this week and some iceberg lettuce.
Short of sucking my thumb, I’m gonna keep on eating for a few more days until I can manage the turmoil going on within.