1st smallfeather

I had a head on collision with myself yesterday. The overwhelm grew too big for me to be able to manage sanely any more.  I allowed myself another relapse.  I ate a tray of Pork Chops which equates to around 5-7 pork chops.  Fried them and fucking enjoyed each and every one of them.

I’m not the sort of person who beats their self up for choices I make etc. I don’t see the fucking point and I have been largely unable to understand particularly women who go on this fucking cruise on the Guilt Ship etc in relation to what they’ve chosen to eat.  I say “own it”.  I say “be fucking proud of having made a decision”.  I say “just fucking do it and then remember what it is that caused the relapse so as to help that not happen again”.

In other recovery circles there’s a saying of “fake it till you make it” and “white knuckling”.  Uh – they’re both fucking dangerous if you ask me. Sweet as if they work(ed) for you.  White knuckling / fake it till you make it has NEVER allowed me to actually work through what I needed to work through to be able to make better decisions for myself.  I completely dishonoured myself during the years I held strong to fake it till you make it etc.

That’s why I say what I say – about “just fucking do it and remember everything about the experience while you’re in relapse mode so that when you choose to come out of relapse, you’ll be better prepared for the next time”.

I appreciate this line of thought isn’t for everyone.  That’s why this is MY journal.

Today I have felt remorseful and deeply saddened. I have been questioning myself again as to whether this becoming thinner thing is gonna be safe for me.  I’m 47 now.  And feeling safe has been something I’ve not had much experience of whatsoever.   I’ve also not had much experience with knowing how to be female – or even what it means to be female, largely due to the many conflicting ideas and values regarding femininity that are visually unpleasant to me.

I am relatively certain that I’m not going to manage losing much more weight and keep myself moving forward with the many things I am wanting to achieve elsewhere in life.   It’s a massive decision to make ie is this where I stop re losing weight so that I can manage the barrage of other unresolved issues that are continually being shelved and shelved and shelved so I can just keep check on what I’m choosing to eat as well as keep up appearances ie appointments and classes etc.

I’m so overwhelmed.

I’m working recovery type processes such as getting outside and tending to my seedlings and makeshift hot house etc.  I did 3 loads of dishes this morning and dried them all and put them away. I brushed my hair and tied it back. I fed my Bula.  I eventually made myself a hot chocolate.  I’ve touched base with those I consider important in my world.  I have a few more house chores to complete before I can feel satisfied with my living environment.  Bula and I are going on an adventure soon.  We haven’t been out on a proper adventure for over a week.

I finally made it a priority to buy a ream of paper so I can now use the printer I bought a few months ago.  I am going to hook all that up this afternoon and print out the menu planning sheet stuff from previous entry.

I’ve put myself in front of the mirror and told myself how beautiful I am and how stunningly motivated I am to ensure that the bastards of my past don’t win.  I spoke to each and everyone of us within, affirming them, letting them know that even though I’m struggling, on the whole as a collective, we’re doing okay.  And that it’s okay to keep letting the pain of the past go cos that’s what’s gonna make way for all the good shit we can see coming for ourselves.

I fucking inspire myself.  I can be in the depths of the most hellish levels of inner turmoil and still come out on top knowing exactly what to do to keep us moving forward – even if that moving forward means we’ve got to take 2 steps back first.