A bizarre anxiety flooded me on Monday. The lead into this new for me anxiety, came about after a very strenuous 4 days of intensive outdoor work during that week. I had expected, due to the amount of physical labour I’d endured (and it was hard out work for at least 8 hours on each of those days), to have lost a decent amount of weight for my efforts in the gardens.
I’d felt quite excited and rather chuffed with myself on the 30th Sept when I finally got under the 160kg mark. I’d begun to dream a fair bit about what I might end up looking like once I get to 140kg etc. The reality hit me at various speeds after that particular appointment with Kai Whakaorakai, that I might actually have a chance at getting this weight loss nailed AND being able to maintain it for the remainder of my time here on Earth.
The more I found myself mulling it over – about what I might look like, what I could look like, some of the goals I would be able to set for myself, the clothing I might be able to find the courage to wear and most importantly, how I would feel about myself and so on, the more afraid (?) I felt. And when Monday rolled around I freaked out wondering whether I’d actually put on weight and how devastating that would be for me considering the physical work I’d been doing, plus the amazing ways I’d been able to choose food more wisely in the two weeks leading up to last Monday.
I panicked. Got myself into a tight ball of crazy and decided I’d better eat hard out cos then if I had put on weight, it’d be okay because I’d done something to have put on that weight ie eaten hard out.
When I shared this new form of anxiety with Kai Whakaorakai, she became a little moist around the eyes too. I shared my food journal. I wanted to show her that the two weeks before that Monday had been quite something in terms of my food choices, however none of that mattered to me after that Monday.
Deep down I have this little girl inside of me who is yet to feel safe in this world that we both struggle to comprehend (!!) on the best of days. And that little girl wants to be loved more than anything else in this entire world. God, we both do. And, who doesn’t right? Yet, due to her early experiences of abuse she continues to feel threatened in terms of her / our existence here on Earth.
We had a dynamic where we caught someone checking out our arse the week before. Someone within froze in terror. I wanted to say “mate, if you’re gonna perve at my arse don’t get caught” – however the frozen in fear response (aka: flight response) remains intrinsically strong within us and I had not expected to catch this particular person perving at my arse nor the frozen in fear response grabbing a hold of even me so that I could not respond in a jovial (yet meaning every word of it) way. That experience of being frozen in fear freaked me out. I shared with Kai Whakaorakai on Friday that I felt so overwhelmed with how far I have travelled this year alone, yet it took just one male person – whom I like, respect and felt safe with, to be caught perving at me to throw us all into dire turmoil.
I feel so fucked up because of that fear gripped me so strong. I hadn’t expected anyone to ever look at me in any way – and I’m not for one moment saying that this person looked at me in a sexual context – let me make that extremely clear. It’s the act of having seen someone checking out my arse that’s freaked me out.
So why was he looking at my arse? It’s part of his work. Kai Whakaorakai explained it to me on Friday. It’s about the alignment ratio of the hips, knees, ankles, feet. And after thinking about that, he wasn’t actually looking at my arse. It was my lower back.
It’s been a big three weeks on many levels.
Kai Whakaorakai put it out there that maybe it’s time I begin to get comfortable with the reality of being thinner. And having people look at me different to what they’ve always looked at me. I think that’s a fucking on to it idea. I was at the gym on Weds and there was this woman – big woman, and she’s running on a treadmill. Fuck I felt inspired. I wanted to wait until she was done to compliment her and to let her know that I felt so inspired by her. She left while I must have been at the other end of the gym and I didn’t see her go. I will look for her next week. Being able to run again – could be a reality. Right?
I got lots to mull over.
ANYways – my weight increase took me to 160.1kg.