The title of this entry says.it.all. I feel angry with myself. I understand there is something to remember in all this experience – and it’s blatantly obvious that I continually forget what it is that I’m meant to remember about panic eating, about triggered eating, about hating myself eating, about hating others eating … you see the pattern here …
I believe I can get away with eating anything I like. Or want. I believe that when my time is up, my time is up and no amount of correcting the way that I eat and the reasons behind why I eat is gonna prolong that date that I check out of this planet.
I’ve also believed over the course of my life that I’m a useless piece of shit, that I’m unworthy, undeserving of a better life, that I have no right to be here – to exist even. So that tells me a thing or two about my beliefs in reference to this entry. Disordered beliefs!
All or nothing. <- That just came to me as I wrote a piece on rebellion and my disordered eating. I deleted it because it wasn’t sitting right within me. And then “all or nothing” came to me. It started with Mesclun Salad. That’s what happened. I bought a 300 gram bag of Mesclun Salad! Ok – I think I did that sometime 2 weeks ago. And boy oh boy did I enjoy it. So then last week I buy Pita breads and after my delicious experience at Pita Pit my thinking tells me that I’m back on board the right bus and to continue driving forward.
I got through the weekend food well. I was at a workshop both days. On the Saturday I made two medium rolls and filled them with Mesclun, Red Grapes, Chicken, Smoked Garlic Hummus and an Avocado spread. I went to the Pita Pit for dinner on my way home. I then got home, felt ravenous and made another two rolls and chomped through them.
Sunday I felt a bit off / hungover, from all the Pita breads. I began my day with a faithful mug of Hot Chocolate and a Banana. I took another Banana and Pear with me for lunch at the workshop. I had dinner at home … 6 Savloys, 5 pieces of bread, two stuffed Pita breads plus some Grapes.
Yesterday I felt very tired (not hungover though) and yawned my way through the entire day. I also kept myself company with copious amounts of food which included more stuffed Pita breads (note plural) plus multigrain bread sandwiches. I had African drumming class last night so I’d online ordered my fav Pita at the Pita Pit – and – I ordered another one too. The thought was, I’d be hungry later on during the night and instead of stuffing my face with other food – I would eat the Pita Pit pita which was filled with way more goodness than what I have in my home. I thought it was a great idea.
I wasn’t hungry though. I didn’t even want to eat the first Pita Pit before class. Yet I damn well ate it. On the Conscious Eating for the Lunch Environment hand out Kaiwhakaora Kai gave me, Step 1 bullet point 2 says: You do NOT need to eat right now if you are NOT hungry! I feel so pissed off. I just.don’t.get.it. I continue to eat when I’m not hungry. I panic and believe I will die if I don’t eat – even when I’m not hungry. And so then I overcompensate when I have days that I do not panic so therefore do not eat until I am hungry, by stuffing my body full of food to ensure that it will never die of starvation. Ya know, I think those tv adverts to sponsor children in African countries really fucked with me psychologically as a child. There were adverts with Ethiopian children dying of starvation and sickness with flies buzzing over them and on them. Psychologically I would have absorbed those adverts along with the constantly verbal mother stating “there are kids dying of hunger in Africa we do not waste food in this house” and the like and made some firm decisions I feel about ensuring that I never starved. Naturally, I took it to the extreme. It’s time to burn those messages out too.
So this morning I’m hungover. I ate hummus and cheese sandwiches through the night. Drank copious amounts of water also.
That first bag of Mesclun Salad I bought – my body heaved and expanded internally from the first taste. My body had missed the salad type of arrangements during our Winter. And it’s almost as if I’ve turned into the salad monsta. Imagine Cookie Monster and how he used to stuff cookies into his mouth! That’s me – only with corn, black olives, grapes, mesclun, red onion, mushroom, beetroot, capsicum, feta, gherkin, hummus and Pita breads.
I hear Kaiwhakaora Kai saying “don’t panic” and “we expect things like this to happen”. I guess I have to trust that when I do hellishly overeat like the last 24 hours, that I will eventually rein myself back in again. Even though it ultimately means another gain in weight to be lost again.