… I know right? Me!
Well, quick version is that I went to the gym on Friday and wasn’t feeling that flash all over. Am on the 7th course of AB’s since April – mainly due to ear and chest infections which are gonna be a given each year now that I’ve managed to attract Glandular Fever. ANYways … so I say to GI-K that I’m happy to do some work on the exercycle and then I would like to spend the rest of the session stretching cos I’m finding myself hunched up and doubled over way too much these days.
After cardio, we headed over to the bars and I did my back stretch. I looked up at GI-K and point blank asked her if she thought I would be too fat to go to Pilates. She said she didn’t know too much about Pilates, but she did know stuff about Yoga. My eyes widened. I said “Am I too fat to go to Yoga?”. She looked at me unsure how to say what was on her mind. I piped in with “I can get up and down from the floor okay”. So GI-K grabbed a couple of mats and we started with some easy poses that involved stretching the full length of the back and then hips.
And you know what everyone? I could do it. If GI-K was surprised to see how effortlessly I could reach my ankles to hold then lean into them just like she did, she didn’t show it. I’ve told GI-K before that I’m just fat as – not lazy and I’m definitely not useless with having such a fat body.
So then we got down on the floor and crossed legs like Lotus – that was difficult and I found myself wanting to roll over backwards. GI-K showed me some exercises from Lotus to help straighten me up and then we swapped legs and did it again. And then I burst into tears.
GI-K rubbed my arm a little but really, I was already well on the way to bawling. I blubbered out that I’ve been told my entire life that I’m too fat to do this … and I’m too fat to do that .. I’m not clever enough to manage this … or that … Yet, there was. Sitting on a mat, on the floor at the gym, doing Yoga for the first time in my life!
I felt so fucked up for hours afterwards. Surges of memories flooded my mind of just about every occurrence where someone has said to me that I’m too fat to do this .. or that …
Did you know that I used to lead an exercise class in 1993? True story. It was a cardio class and, I was still fat as. The song I loved would come on and Rob the instructor would wave me to come up front and lead the class. He never told me there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do.
I feel extremely resentful towards the many people who have told me over the course of my life that I can’t do stuff – just cos. And those looks or glances that suggest I’m unable to do something etc. What happened was that I believed them – very early on in the piece I believed what these fucktards told me so I never gave anything a try. Why? Cos some fucktard believed it necessary to tell me I couldn’t do it. And I believed them .. all of them.
Ooh wow – I just remembered something else! I used to kick arse in Taebo class when I lived in Christchurch too! The two men who took the classes I attended wanted me up on stage with them to inspire others fat like me, to come and show them that if I could do it and smile and laugh while exercising, they could too. Unfortunately, I was far too shy to get up on a stage! Gawd – it was the best experience though being so good at something like Taebo. Mind you, I excelled in Aikido (sp?) as well, much to the dislike of a few older members who had been training for a lot longer than me.
I said to GI-K through snot bubbles (how attractive I realise), that I will never allow someone to tell me that I can’t do stuff no more. GI-K is going to bring more Yoga to the gym next Friday and I’m going to buy a Yoga mat. She said I would need one at least 10mm thickness. I’ve found one 15mm on TradeMe, new so will purchase one of those next week so I can do my Yoga stuff either out on the decks or on the floor in my whare.
I am so special and I deserve to be cared about. Unfortunately, it is now up to me to ensure that I take good special care of myself and that I continue to disallow others to put me down due to their own inability to see through their self limiting beliefs.
Before I go, I came across this link on FB earlier today: Yoga & serious mental illness issues. She also inspired me to keep going. I’ll never look as amazing as her – however, I’ll feel just as amazing as she does, and that’s what it’s all about.