I’ve got my voice back

1st smallfeather

I was thinking at the kitchen bench not too long ago how at the start of this year the theme I chose for this year was ‘self actualisation’ and even though I pretty much put a business plan in tact and listed goals that would propel me in the directions I desperately desired to move and groove in, life has taken me on a wee bit of a detour.  I’ve had some dark weeks with physical illnesses that required all up, 5 courses of Antibiotics between April 7 through to the end of June.  That said, something significant has changed or shifted within me – like, from deeply within me – perhaps even on a core level.

I did notice there was something different about me maybe 1.5-2 weeks ago. I didn’t really take notice of how different I was until the weekend just gone when I literally shifted my entire bedroom contents out onto the back deck and cleaned my room from top to toe.  And then everything outside was either vacuumed or dusted or put into a pile to give to someone who may want stuff before I began shifting everything back in.

But wait – there’s more

A pair of jeans that when I bought them maybe 8 weeks ago were quite tight in the waist and bum area are now loose.  My HbA1c is now 36. I am eating AND enjoying Fruit with No attached traumas or fears surrounding eating fruit.  It’s been like a miracle has occurred. I’ve become unafraid of eating healthy foods.

But wait – there’s more

Spiritually I am soaring at the moment.  I came across a FB group one night that “suddenly appeared” on my feed.  I followed and joined the closed group unsure what the group was actually all about.  Turns out 4-5 people within that group have become like another whānau to me.  I am learning to trust people outside of the usual circle of dysfunction.   I am also learning to trust people outside of professional type relationships such as health professionals and therapists etc.  I am stretching myself on all levels – except physically like at the gym.

The more I learn the more I grow in confidence.  The more I grown in confidence, the more blown away I am by how fucking smart I am.  The more blown away by myself I become, the more confident I am to stretch myself further and around it all goes again … I want to say that I never thought this life that I’m currently experiencing could be possible – like, that I could achieve personal growth to a level where I would then be introduced to people who spiritually are pretty closely aligned to me in more ways than a few. I gotta find another word to use other than “blessings” because that word does not fit the depth of my experience nor does it adequately acknowledge the extent of my sincerity to others.

But wait – there’s still more

My body shape and size is changing.  Even when my weight remains constant for a few weeks, my body continues to change shape.  This morning I noticed more sponge like formations of flabby skin on my puku (belly) – and you know what? I didn’t care. I’ve asked myself ‘what if, what if everything I have ever been through in life has led me to this moment in time where I decide I no longer need to the attention nor companionship of an intimate partner.  What if – I designed this life time with the sole intention of experiencing every sexual trauma I did so as to help distract me from spending my entire life in a string of relationships or marriage(s) that were not compatible to the level of growth I’ve always wanted to achieve.  What if – the sexual traumas were also a part of the bigger picture in that I could fully transcend my pain into a love and a beauty far beyond words or the love of another?

Yeah – I got a lot going on that I’m processing hard out about a myriad of things.  I feel incredibly excited and very tired at the same time.  I learned something incredibly important about myself early hours this morning.  I.have.grown.up.considerably.  Someone who I’ve liked and admired spun off me via a comment I left surrounding a meme on a friends FB page. She made many attempts shortly after midnight to beat me down and to prove me wrong for how I felt about this particular meme. And it’s not like I dug my heels in or nothing like it – I continued to maintain my stance and for some reason, and I’m could imagine a myriad of reasons for it – this woman kept pinging and pinging off of me holding my own.  Just about everything she accused me of was exactly what she was spewing at me. And the stuff that was accurate – I acknowledged and either thanked her for her awareness or acknowledged that she was right etc.

It wasn’t good enough – it can’t have been what she was wanting to hear because more accusations and the like were hurled. Now, what was powerful in this dynamic for me, was that I came to realise how much I’ve grown, and how indignant I am of people who wish to pick a fight with me and how these people who wish to provoke reactions feel and then react when I am able to maintain and hold my own and not give anything other than what I know to be truth.  I didn’t rescue her by suggesting anything that might ease her fuelled fire, I didn’t make any attempt to offer a therapeutic ear or voice to her … I simply maintained and stood beside what I felt to be true and because I was solid in it – she couldn’t penetrate or contaminate me with her stuff.  She tried a number of angles in which could have easily provoked reactions in me.  What I came to learn was that I had no need to respond to her accusations of me.  I even thanked her when she told me that she really needed me to hear her point of view.

Hearing someones point of view is not the same as me having to take it on board as my own belief, I’ve come to realise.  Fuck it was powerful dynamic on so many levels.  I’m so grateful she was able to help me expose more truths.

Are we still friends?  I don’t really know.  Have I checked to see if she’s defriended me on FB? Nope.  Would it matter if she had? Nope. I firmly believe in “taking no hostages” – and that includes friends.  People, are a want in my life.  Not a need.  I have not known that many people who comprehend the difference.

So you may be wondering –

What has any of this got to do with disordered eating.  It’s a good question and I can only answer it like this without getting too involved and technical … My journey this lifetime and probably thousands of other lifetimes too, has been from a position of disempowerment, displacement, dishonour, disgrace, disgust, deceit and deviancy, just to name a few of my favourite letter ‘d’ words … Having committed to my recovery process some moons ago now, I have gradually been able to grow myself up properly.  I was expected to be an adult way before I had matured intellectually physically and emotionally.  I have suffered and endured some extreme forms of abuse throughout my entire life up until approximately 4 years ago. I have cycled the victim, persecutor/abuser and rescuer triangle billions of times with countless people.  And I have gotten so down on myself through other peoples assumptions and judgements of me that I made the decision to simply eat myself to death.  And at 204kg in 2015 you gotta admit, I was well on my way to becoming successful with that particular suicide attempt.  Hadn’t been so lucky with the many other attempts.

Learning to speak up for myself and to speak out on behalf of myself, has been a core project of sorts, that I’ve needed to learn and learn and learn and practice and practice and practice until one day, or as was the case – until early this morning, when I came to realise that I could now hold my own with a woman whom I respected and liked, and not be affected by her beliefs.  In short, after she said goodbye, I had had no need to eat myself stupid.  I had no sensation that I ought to be feeling guilt or anything.  I still felt tired – which was my feeling.  And so I shut down my whare and went to bed and, I didn’t wake up during the night with a panicked need to stuff my face.  I’ve felt pretty damn good all day – even though I could do with a nap soon.  It’s been an amazing 24 hours.

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