Last shot

1st smallfeather

I weighed in on Tuesday and I now sit at 163.9 kg.  Guess what the means folks … I have lost a total of 40.1 kg.  Yes thanks … accolades appreciated!  I do feel pretty good about that.  I didn’t think it was ever going to happen.  The next magic number will be when I reach a weight of 159 kg.  Although I feel neat at my achievement thus far, weight loss this year has been extremely s.l.o.w and I have wanted to give up many, many times.

There is an end in sight some days, to my consistent internal barrage of fears about being a thinner person.  Sometimes I feel I would be better off being hugely obese.  I have near 47 years of being used to people staring at me due to my great fatness.  I have had very little exposure to being thin.  And in the times where I have lost a tremendous amount of weight, I’ve piled it back on, plus some, due to being unable to manage people ie men, staring at me for possible different reasons that when I was fat as.


I have absolutely no guarantee that things will be any different for me this time around.  What I do know, is this is really my.last.opportunity to lose this amount of weight.  How do I know?  The same way that some alcoholics / addicts who have relapsed more than a few times know that they don’t have another relapse available to them – the consequence will be death.  That’s where I’m at now too.  I know this is my last shot.

I sent an email to Kaiwhakaora Kai with questions and points I need to discuss with her when I next see her.

1. Is there like another way for bariatric surgeons to do surgery that does NOT involve going in through the belly button?
2. Is there a weight minimum when someone fat as doesn’t or no longer weighs enough to be accepted for surgery?
3. Would you have an idea of what a “goal weight” would be for me?
4. Can you help me talk about loose skin like in the private area?  Each time I’ve wanted to bring it up with you I feel a tsunami or tears on the horizon so make the decision not to talk about it.  However, I need some suggestions or even just to know it’s ‘normal’ cos my private area flabby skin thing is grossing me out.
5. I am also getting terribly “burned” from loose skin rubbing or something like that.  You said some time ago that keeping the area(s) clean and dry helps.  It does, however I need something to help when I keep the areas clean and dry and I still am getting ‘burns’ from skin rubbing and sweating etc.  I’m becoming overwhelmed and terribly upset at how my body is changing and creating more distress to manage.
6. If there is a way for bariatric surgery that does NOT require any incision etc in or around the belly button, I am feeling that now is a good time to be doing what’s needed to see if I qualify for public funded surgery.  I need to know, whether I qualify or not because I have some hard decisions to make if I don’t.