1st smallfeather

As we come to the end of June 2016, and I look back on the last 7 months I gotta say – I’ve had a huge year already.  The biggest catalyst by far for my current level of awakening occurred the week of Christmas 2015 when my grand-daughters mother and father (my son) made important (fear and grandiose) decisions that resulted in my grand-daughter being excluded from my life and I from hers.  I was literally and for the first time in my life, forced to make life changing decisions

The decision became that it was time to step up for myself.  And although looking back further than Dec 2015 I can see that I have stepped up for myself in various other ways throughout my life – nothing – and I mean nothing, can compare to how I stepped up for myself after moko was taken from me.

I have become more focused with motivation to get shit done.  I have a business plan mapped out for myself now. I know what it is that I truly wish to do with the remainder of my life and I feel more okay with allowing myself to self actualise than what I ever have in the past.  In fact my theme for 2016 is to encompass more of what’s needed to be able to self actualise.

I see myself learning more about nutrition, specific exercise for specific conditions, rongoa Māori and Pākehā (Māori and Pākehā medicines) as well as a few more modules of healing using concepts from metaphysics teachers such as Louise Hay, Inna Segal, Marianne Williamson … this is all on my inner horizon.

I have become proactive with donating to Give A Little causes where I choose a cause per week and koha (give) no more than $5 to a page per week.  I koha $15 per month to KidsCan NZ and have been for well over 2 years now and my latest crusade has been getting on board with fund raising ideas as well a my own contributions for Go with the Flow – an organisation who are collecting donated menstrual products to distribute nationwide to places such as Womens Refuge, womens centres, budget services etc any place where women are in dire need for support in this way.  Last week I purchased x15 menstrual cups at a cost of just over $25 (nzd) from an American website that offers free shipping to NZ.  That’s 15 women who are going to be sussed for years now in terms of having a reliable and reusable menstrual product.  I’ve also been buying a box of tampons each week to koha as well. Go with the Flow also have a Give a Little page. My cut off point is when I have spent $100.  I will then move onto my next cause which will be resourcing an old working sewing machine and blankets to sew up some healing sacks to koha to places like Vets and SPCA for animals who are healing after surgery or even just psychologically and emotionally wounded animals to snuggle into and to help support them to feel safe and cocooned.

During either September or October, I am attending a weekend workshop which will be life changing for me.  Although the workshop is not secret, the actual details are still be worked through and those interested in attending this workshop have been asked to keep it under wraps until the official announcement.  So until then, mums the word.

I continue to loose weight steadily. I average on 1.5-2kg per fortnight.  I think I was 164.__kg last weigh, around 3 or 4 weeks ago.  If I’m correct that means I’ve now lost 40kg woop!

It’s a little overwhelming to think that I could actually achieve losing around 120kg all up at the end of it and then maintain that weight loss for the remainder of my life. I do not know what my ideal weight is.  I do know that when I was 25 years old I managed to lose a lot of weight and got down to 84kg and I felt pretty good about that even though I had no idea what that looked like on me.  I continued to see myself at 130+kg.  I’m guessing 85kg as a goal weight would be ok.  I’ll run that past Kaiwhakora Kai when I see her next wek.  That would leave another 80kg to loose.

Physically I have been unwell (again).  I’m on my 5th bout of Antibiotics since the 7th of April which is a big deal to me. My GP now feels I have Glandular Fever and benign tumors either around my bowel or somewhere along my intestinal tract.  I do not remember the clinical term he gave for that.  I’ve also had recurring chest and ear infections for a month now.  It’s been a bit too much at times and I’ve cried myself to sleep out of a murderous rage and an overwhelming sense of despair on more than one occasion.

[Do not feel that this entry has taken a sudden dive.  There’s a reason I’m sharing all this which will become clear before I sign off on this.]

Once my physical health returns so that I can continue to exercise I fear my fitness will have returned to practically zilch and I’ll have to start again.  Sigh.

I have spent a few hours in the gardens during the last 2 weeks and I have felt mightily pleased about that.  I planted out more Holy Hocks and Sweet Pea and did a mass weed out in two gardens.  I came to the realisation that I have spent far too much time inside – almost trapped inside, through pointless attempts to get my whare cleaned up on a regular basis.  Occasionally I succeed and clean up my whare really well only to look at it again in a day or two and it’s back to looking like an army of thugs live here.  I don’t know how the fuck I do it and that’s been very distressing at times.  I have noticed though within the last few weeks that I seem to be cleaning up my whare on a weekly basis now and more importantly, that’s continued for at least 3 weeks now.  So that realisation I had was that inside my whare is always going to be a clean up mission.  What I was doing was waiting until the inside was tidied up so I could then tidy up the outside.  The reality was, the outside was getting more and more overgrown and neglected just like the inside of my whare – regardless of how much effort I put into it, I could not get on top of it.  It then made sense to me that I go work on the outside regardless!  Because the inside was always going to be a work in progress.

Yes, there is a life metaphor in that for me.

I came to realise that if I wait until I’m all fixed up / tidied up on the inside, I’m going to loose a lot of life on the outside from having spent many years on the inside.  So I’m becoming more active on the outside now and trusting that the inside will keep ticking over so long as I do not neglect my own personal responsibilities to myself.

My clothes continue to inspire and remind me that I am losing weight.  I have been able to wear items of clothing that I kept a hold of, again.  My jeans size has also dropped.  Oh my god! I touched my toes 2 nights ago!  I wondered if I could reach them yet so I tried and I succeeded!  Other noticeable changes have occurred in my attitudes to things like the walking distance from my medical centre down to the shops for instance – not that long ago, even getting into my car and driving the distance was a freaking chore.  Now I’m walking the length of the main road 2-3 times each time I’m in town – AND – I’m enjoying it!  I enjoy the freedom of being able to walk without debilitating fear!  I enjoy holding my head up as I walk!  And I walk tall, not slouched over no more cos I really don’t give a fuck what other people are thinking or wondering about me judged on my appearance.

I have come such a long way in 7 years.  I used to live day in and day out in my bedroom.  I sourced groceries around 3am when the local Gull Station was known to be empty.  I had a therapy appointment once a week that I drove to even though it was a mere block from where I was boarding.

6 years ago I walked into Countdown Supermarket on my own and for the first time in my life I was conscious of people looking at me for reasons other than unproductive judgement.  Naturally that freaked me out and I ran to my lifelong companion called compulsive overeating and piled the weight on that I’d lost plus a heap more.

Things are different in terms of the weight loss journey this time around.  Even though some say surgery is an option, it’s not for me.   I could not bare the trauma of having a surgeon – a man, cut through my umbilical area.  That is the most sacred part or point, of my body.  It is the only area of my body that has never been violated by a man.  I would not survive the trauma of having someone cut through that sacred part of me.  It is also my only connection to my mother – which I will write about another time.

To end this post with some more noticeable changes – I now own like $30 worth of socks!  Why?  Oh you know, cos I can actually reach my feet to put socks on them now! Wohooo! This is my second Winter of having warm feet !  My lower legs fit into my gumboots too!  AND I can tie up shoe laces again.

And lastly – I looked in the mirror yesterday and saw my beautiful hair.  I decided I am not going to colour it after all. I was feeling pressure to tidy up my outside appearance ie colour my hair again (it’s pretty grey) and wax / shave my facial hair etc.  Once I replace my car I’ll go back to having my face waxed regularly.  Until then I’m okay with my facial hair.