Today, I needed to remind myself of this:
The official news is that my car is going to cost over a grand to get her back on the road. I know my car isn’t worth what it’s going to cost to get her fixed. I also know that my car isn’t worth the fee involved in having her towed back to my place (I laughed as I wrote that). I lived quite some ways in between a going nowhere town, a city, a blip on a map and another town that is pretty much touristy due to it being on a very popular main trunk line. What I’m saying is that I’m now faced with moving.
To cut a long story extremely short and in keeping this entry in line with my disordered eating theme, my urge to stuff my face / binge / restrict has been shockingly nil – so far. What I do know about myself in terms of the way disordered eating manifests itself in me, is I often cycle in times of insurmountable stress and strain between eating everything or eating nothing. I’m glad I just reminded myself of that.
I have put thought to how I could maintain my healthy eating behaviours with healthy food options over the next 4-6 weeks in particular. The most important factor for me is to not allow myself to become filled with terror if or when I do find myself in a cycle of relapse. Twice since Jan last year I’ve put on weight. The first weight gain was 1.25kg, the second has been over the last 3 weeks where I gained .5kg. I crawled back from the potential psychological demise and gradually managed / allowed myself to lose that 1.25kg. That took a few weeks. I had a lot of emotional and mental baggage to work through to be sure I was actually worth this particular journey I’m on which ultimately is about forgiving my body for what I at times still believe is at fault for having suffered extreme sexual trauma throughout my life. This, is what MY weight issues are all about. This, is why I have a psychological allergy to fresh fruit. This is why I took so long in some peoples minds to get a grip on eating vegetables regularly.
It’s no secret as I’ve written it here before – I came to realise that I had an unconscious idea that if I ate healthy food like fruits and vegetables it would mean that I could live longer. I didn’t want to live longer. I didn’t believe I deserved to live at all. I didn’t feel worthy and all those other adjectives that go with this type of kōrero (spiel). I have subconsciously blamed my body for being female. I hated myself for being female. I believed I would not have suffered so relentlessly then or now had I either not been born, managed to successfully kill myself, been male.
Things are changing. I am changing. My attitudes, beliefs and level of self confidence is changing. My wanting to live sits at around 98% most days vs the 98% of not wanting to live days.
I have work to do – I wish to continue working through these deep issues that have led me to hate myself, hate my body, blame my body for what happened to me. I realised that what happened to me, also happened to my body. Small steps are actually helping me to create a life I want. There is a lot to balance. There is no denying that. What would be cruel would be for me to deny myself any opportunity regardless of how fearful or terrified I feel, to experience a life outside of hatred.
And that’s where I’m at today