Doors revolving

1st smallfeather

The internal doors of life are revolving too fast. Days are merging into one cauldron of broth that visually resembles something more akin to vomit. Being flexible in how I manage my stuff on a daily basis has generally been. More so right now.

I have been without a car for over 2 weeks. The current prognosis does not look promising for my poor car. This means that in around 2 weeks time I could be forced with giving notice on where I currently live – my little piece of paradise and re-enter the rental market. I’m faced with having to move to a city.  I have been working extremely hard adjusting my attitudes and nurturing my fears – self soothing without the use of food has been difficult and I can’t say I’ve been a total babe at it however can say I’ve done extremely well.

I had my final assessment at U-kinetics 2 weeks ago and am currently waiting to hear back from another agency that have a fitness / gym prog running that I can link in on. My body and mind have so missed being able to hammer out inner demons through exercise. I also discovered yesterday that WINZ – the gov’t branch who people receive welfare benefits from, will pay towards gym fees on Disability so long as it’s proved that in so doing will be of benefit to persons stated ‘disability’. This is good news. I will share the assessment results in another entry.

I have learned hard to stay in the present moment. Whenever I find myself flighty or fearful I literally narrow my scope of vision and breathe deeply through my nose. I have a speech that I use to reassure myself that regardless of where I end up I’ll be okay. 9/10 that process will slow me right down again.

I’ve felt extremely tired in the last few days. It’s difficult being house bound 10 days straight. There are only so many paddocks to walk. I have been scrub cutting / clearing out back. That’s been intense work. Prickles, thorns and some creeper vine that’s strangling trees. What I’ve knocked out so far looks amazing. It’s so great to see the trees again. I’d forgotten they were there it’s become so overgrown in the 4 years I’ve been here. It’s great upper body and Respiratory training. I’m guzzling a heap of water again too.