The story today

1st smallfeather

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

Ae, I’m a mixed bag of reeling emotion, thought and intense dislike of myself this morning.  I am NOT hungry – I am too ANGRY to allow myself to FEEL hungry.  I am ANGRY with myself.  My body IS hungry.  I’m not going to feed it.  Why? Because today I fucking hate my body!  And if my body were a “she” I’d scream at it.  And if my body were a “he”, I’d definitely destroy it so it could NEVER have the opportunity to hurt me or another again.

How’s that for being triggered?

There is a lot that I am unwilling to disclose due to this journal being public.  What I am comfortable with publicising in the event that doing so will give another courage and a pixel of light in that fuck awful tunnel, is that I made the brave decision to break the silence on a sexually horrendous chapter in my journey.

And that’s what’s triggered off this bout of FATS [ see this entry if you’ve no idea what I’m referring to as FATS ].   I think I’m gonna opt for sleeping as much of this fuck awfulness away today.  Autumn officially began the 1st of March and we went from extreme heat to the middle of some arctic winter literally overnight.  Today the temp is set for around the 20C mark.  We’re having an early Summer temperature day.

Four seasons in one day both internally and externally.