fAts – Anger triggered

1st smallfeather

Remember the FATS from a previous entry?  I found the safety this morning to come to realise that not only was I neglecting myself (again), I was also blaming myself for some pretty hard out things that I have since taken action on and put back the issues that have triggered me into some rampant disordered eating, onto the people who’s issues they actually are.

I had an appointment with Kaiwhakaora Kai.  I have gained 1.72kg in the last 3 weeks.  I felt so relieved to discover I’d only put on under 2kg.  I had made the decision to eat in an effort to soothe myself – to somehow manage the volume of anger, rage and outrage I’ve felt over the last 2 weeks especially.

My friends – wonderful bunch they are for the most, and those paid to support me in various ways, have not been shy to force feed me their fear based beliefs surrounding some very serious and personally taxing issues I am dealing with.  Add to that, I barely survived Waitangi Day lead up for 2016 and I am so grateful I did what I did to survive.

The scariest thing about making the decision to eat like I have been was realising that I actually did not have the motivation any more to carry on creating and maintaining the life I have been carving out for myself.  And the fuck awful thing is – those who care about me have all been extremely willing to see me submit to their fear based beliefs and grandiose beliefs about themselves and the ways that they live their lives compared to the way I lead mine.

I also suffered quite a massive let down on Saturday.  The Disordered Eating Group I’d been a part of for around 3 months decided they did not want to continue on with group counselling.  I felt so enraged and bereft at the same time.  Both furious and wounded. Fuck Saturday was intense.  I cried.  I ate.  I cried.  I ate.  The group will still meet monthly on both a social and educational session which I begrudgingly at this point, I will attend.  I want to beat my disordered eating.  I cannot do it alone. I felt so angry with the other group members who voted against the group counselling. They all denied me a privileged opportunity to look more deeply at myself.  And of course, everyone I’ve shared this with has defended the rest of the group saying stupid things that stupid people do instead of supporting their friend who is grieving.

I’m tired.  My sleep is extremely disordered.  My house is in disarray. I have been keeping up with my commitment to U-kinetics. I attend 3 times a week.  I’m loving it. In terms of physical progress today I managed 15 minutes on the bike.  My rpm’s between 80-90 for 13.5 of those 15 minutes.  And I begin with a wattage of 65 that is then revs up to 90 by my 3rd minute.  My programme was recently changed a little and I’m loving having different equipment and exercises to do.  My trainer told me that I worked hard today.  The sweat on the bike told me that clearly. I’ve been working off some anger – man it generates some intense body heat.

Anyway, the main thing I wanted to share is that I’ve stopped disordered eating.  I took care of myself and said things to people that I’d been fuming about.  How dare people believe it’s okay to put their stuff on me!  Look what it did!  It triggered off disordered eating and I gained weight!  That’s not self-care.  Putting people in their place, is.