I’m currently reading through a book called Losing Your Pounds of Pain by Doreen Virtue. I’m ready for it this time around. The first time I “flicked through” this book was around 5 years ago. At the time I remember thinking it was the best thing ever and then I stupidly loaned it to someone and I never asked for it back. I wasn’t ready for the lessons the book provides otherwise I would have raised high water to get the book back. So now I’m on copy #2 and I am finally opening the book and actually reading bits and pieces from various pages on a regular basis.
One of the things that Doreen covers in this book is what she calls the FATS. The FATS for some, are what trigger disordered eating off. Fear Anger Tension Shame. This makes a lot of sense to me and the way my disordered eating plays out.
The last 4 days have been particularly Tense for me. Waitangi Day is officially tomorrow the 6th Feb, however the build up to it this year in particular has been immensely powerful – and in this context I use the word “powerful” to mean both empowering AND disempowering. I have experienced and re-experienced layer upon layer of Fear this year – Fear for my personal internal well-being due to identifying as Māori. I have been bombed with Anger, explosive, manipulative, indirect, passive Anger in my offline and online life. Yesterday I experienced yet another layer of Shame – from Māori no less and on a National scale. And today again, I have felt more Shame coming from those who have placed themselves in a position of power / authority by ONE group of Māori, who in all their power hungry appetites clearly forgot that they actually represent ALL Māori during the days before Waitangi Day and for a few days after.
This years case of the Waitangi FATS has been more difficult for me to manage. I know this because I collapsed into a sobbing heap inside my car at the gym this afternoon. I know this because I feel unsafe not only as someone Māori, as someone who is female AND Māori. I know this year has been worse than others because I’m rocking myself back and forth – I sleep supported by pillows and blankets all around me to feel safe in bed. I curl into a foetal position in my Lazy-Boy chair and rock myself staring out into the nothingness for hours on end. I am more sleep deprived than usual.
In terms of disordered eating I have eaten minimal all week. I am going to use parts of my weekend to pay attention to preparing and cooking nutritious food for myself. My fridge looks wonderful fantastic full of fresh veges.