Two days out from Christmas 2015 I experienced a shocking event that had the potential to end me and the life I had been creating for myself particularly in the last 2 years. An unexpected outcome of that event has seen me step-up in terms of respecting myself and choosing more carefully about who I allow to push me about verbally and who I don’t.
As with everything, there is cause and effect. Consequences, both productive and unproductive. I am in a downward spiral with my disordered eating. It would suffice if you were anyone else except me to simply say my eating was out of control. Thank fuck I’m who I am, because there is way more involved in the rampant need that my strain of disordered eating has on me than meets the general eye.
Rage. White rage. Murderous rage. Murderous white rage. Although I’ve not acted out physically ie I’ve not harmed anyone or myself or my belongings, I am vastly in the firm clutches of murderous white rage.
I am 46 years old therefore expected to behave like an ordinary 46 year old woman might. Aside from my weight and the physical appearance of me you are unable to see, feel, hear and know what it is like to be inside my head. Yet, I am still expected to behave like a decent, ‘normal’ human being. I am extremely resentful of that right now.
No-one, absolutely no-one can see my scars or wounds even when the scab is ripped off no-one can see the rawness and the burning inferno of rage seething below the flesh wound.
This afternoon I decided enough is enough. I signed up to partake in some things that will energise me and remind me that I am not alone and that I have choices even when I no longer feel that I do. I cannot allow peoples lack of self care and self respect affect me no longer. This is one of the ways I can take care of myself.
My heart is starving and all I’ve been doing to try and sate it’s need for nourishment is to feed the remainder of my body crap! Absolute crap. I can stay away from people known to lie because they can. I can not abstain from food. My food choices have been unhealthy over the last 2 weeks. I am scared I’m going back – back to what I’ve known to be comfortable all my life.
People who live with the lies, scare me. I haven’t anyone around me bold enough to be a truth seeker no more. And I feel like I’m doing some hard out junkie in need of a fix thing. I’m sleep deprived. Agitated. Irritable. The joints in my body hurt like fuck. I want to cry yet can’t. I don’t have the energy to spare.