Light! Lots and lots of Light!

1st smallfeather


I have held my own well in the last 3-4 weeks.  I feel a tangible sense of achievement. It is as if I constructed a sledge hammer and belted the shit out of that fucking mammoth dark tunnel that has encapsulated me my entire life. I feel I have made a huge break through, and in doing so I’ve ensured that in terms of this particular tunnel, I will never be in that amount of darkness again. I feel so proud.

I have become more and more aware just recently of the signal reaching my brain telling me that I’m full.  What’s remarkable about this is that I have begun to honour that message in my brain and stop eating.  It has been frightening at times to see how much food is leftover and not feel compelled to quickly gobble it down so I do not have to deal with the anxiety of having left over food in the house over night.  Sometimes I have eaten that last sandwich anyway because I am still learning to trust that my body will tell me when it’s hungry instead of my emotions or the clock telling me that I must eat. Sometimes I do not even feel hunger when I think “I should” because it’s lunchtime or dinner time etc.

My anxiety regarding left over dinner food is lessening. I am doing well to remain calm and centered when I realise or remember that there’s still food that I could nuke in 90 seconds and have another feed.  I talk to myself in very soothing ways letting me know that my left over dinner would be wonderful to have heated through for an early lunch the next day etc and then I feel excited about that prospect and it gets me through.

I’ll begin to work on the afternoon food leftovers soon because I’m pretty sure I’m eating too much.  I made the mistake of buying usual bread instead of the large Pita Bread packs of 5.  I love Pita Bread as I have to consciously work to eat it.  I can feel the textures of the Pita Bread in my mouth and I am deliberate when I chew and swallow.  I enjoy having a Pita Bread packed with stuff for afternoon food each day. Yet I went and bought the more refined processed crap.  Three loaves of it in fact and I went through it like a wild fire.  I love the texture of usual bread.  It’s easy to bite into, chew then swallow – and it seems to glide down the back of my throat as if it were a milkshake.  I do not have to work to eat a sandwich made from usual bread therefore it is way easier for me to plough through loaves of the stuff.  This coming week I will buy my usual pack of Pita Bread and maybe a loaf of usual bread – cor I wish Freya still made their Sour Dough.  Oh – that was sex in a plastic bag.

I have extended my culinary repertoire to making my own Hummus, Falafel and I have a Potato and Cauliflower Curry down packed now.  Tomorrow I see Kaiwhakaora Kai and I will ask her how to add other things to my Hummus now that I have the basic recipe under my belt.  Tonight I’m feasting on Butter Chicken and Brown Rice. God I can’t wait. It has been ages since I’ve had Butter Chicken.  I’m so looking forward to it.

The replacement Nutri Infusion arrived last week.  They actually replaced the old Nutri Infusion base with a complete new set – of everything!  So I now have more cups and lids too. AND – the base is a newer model than the one originally sent to me.  I’m feeling pretty flash.

U-Kinetics reopens on the 11th. I am looking forward to a different type of exercise than that which hours of rigorous gardening provides.  I have 6 garden areas around me that vary in size.  I almost have 3 of those areas transformed and I have enjoyed the work outs so much! Even the numerous trips up to the burn pile with wheelbarrow loads in head on wind has been cause to lock down and breathe my way through it as if at U-Kinetics.

I have mainly focused on raising flowers from seed until now.  I have a tray of Brussels Sprouts underway and will start off some Silver Beet.  Come mid Spring around Nov I’ll organise myself better so I can get veges like Zucchini started in a propagator etc.  I also want to begin stocking up on Legumes to make some wonderful dishes in the Slow Cooker this Winter.