Kaiwhakaora Kai and I had a talk last week about adding more food into my food options. She was talking about various fruits and the immediate reaction I had (and still have) was to resist the urge to dry retch or worse, to actually vomit.
Even as I wrote that first paragraph I have noticed my breathing has quickened, my chest is tight, I have knots in my tummy and my body is almost rigid. Like rigor mortise rigid.
Kaiwhakaora Kai asked me why I react like I do to the mention of fruits. Ah yes – she had been talking about Strawberries when my body began rejecting the idea that Strawberries were okay for me to eat.
So what’s the reaction to eating Strawberries all about?
They are happy. People feel good when they eat Strawberries. People are celebrating life when they eat Strawberries. People have friends when they eat Strawberries. I’m dry retching as I type this and my heart is literally hurting.
Feeling happy is very difficult for me to manage long term. I can manage short spells of happiness. And I enjoy those times. I feel safe enough both internally and around the environment I happen to be in to feel the happiness and joy. One of the biggest reasons I like to be by myself and to do things by myself is so I can manage this type of stuff – so I can truly feel it, experience it and savour it. I find doing this sort of thing with others nearby too hard to manage.
I live rural and I have never been more happier in my entire life. It is quiet here. I can hear myself think. I am not competing with noise to simply hear myself think. I have been able to experience and experiment with feeling safe surrounding being outside, feeling happy, feeling safe enough to walk around in the open space, paddocks, hills and among trees knowing that I am not going to be ridiculed or glared at due to my fatness. I get to feel safe outside. And it’s not just cos I’m so fat that’s caused me to feel unsafe in other places.
My point being, I have experienced things that I have not experienced ever. AND I’ve been able to do all this on my own terms. I get to jump through my own hoops. I get to march to the rhythm of my own drums. I get to figure out what sort of drums I like and what sort of rhythm I feel like marching to – and it changes and that’s okay! I get to figure out what’s okay for me. I get to figure out many things that for many reasons I’ve been unable to figure out whilst surrounded by houses, people, noises that distress me ie traffic, trucks, dogs barking, sirens, music blaring, parties, scary behaviours, scarier neighbours etc.
I am so grateful that I found the courage to email my current landlords and ask if this place was still available. I am so grateful to myself for having been brave and courageous enough to then actually ring them and then drive a long way to meet them. I am so grateful that I asked for support and help from whom I call the powers that be to get me here. I gave myself a gift – and my landlords gave me a gift in choosing me to live here. They and I gave myself the opportunity to live instead of merely existing.
Bringing this entry back around to Strawberries. I’m not ready to eat Strawberries. Or even buy them for Emmalyne. I have a little person who lives with me part time who loves Strawberries and I can not even bring myself to buy them for her. I think she’s so brave (I truly do) to feel safe enough to love Strawberries. I can and do buy her Strawberry yoghurt. And sometimes I can manage having 1/2 cup of Strawberry yoghurt. And it still surprises me how yummy it is.
I will keep processing my large fears surrounding Strawberries and fruit period. What I actually mean is I will continue processing the events and emotions / feelings that create the fierce body reaction to Strawberries and other fruit – otherwise thought of by me as “happy foods”.
I had a similar reaction this morning to buying a Cucumber so that I could try out this Butter Bean, Kumara, Tuna Salad for dinner tonight. I really want to eat it as it looks so good in the picture. I am thinking I will buy a Cucumber and use what I need for the meal and then if my anxiety is still through the house I can give the rest of the Cucumber to Emmalyne. [update: I bought a Cucumber! A Fridge photo if interested]
ps: As of last Tuesday, I now weigh 175.2 kg. I’ve pretty much dropped 30 kg.