I’ve been obese all my life
My birth weight was 14lbs 9oz. In the year 1969, not only was that a very big deal, it was also a very big baby. In terms of food, my earliest memories are of hearing my mother laughing while telling people around her, whoever they may have been, that 1 tin of baby food was not enough for me. And she’d often have to give me 2-3 tins of baby food before I was sated. I can see myself sitting in a highchair as I can hear all this so I would have still been quite young. I also have a sense of seeing the saucepan on the stove top with smoke coming out of it that I later learned was steam, and when that smoke started coming out of the saucepan so too would a tin of baby food!
I want to use this journal as a means to having a space where I can reflect on my weight crisis and the current journey that I am on to lose weight. I am unsure how to proceed without detouring into my past from time to time. With that said, it’s going to take a fair whack of emotional and mental intelligence for me to get my disordered eating stories written in a cohesive coherent way that you and I can make sense of!
I also want to use this forum ie a public journal, as an opportunity to advertise so others may find some of their own truths in amongst my stories surrounding disordered eating and the events that led up to it, by using the ‘tags’ and ‘like’ features of WordPress.
I am wanting to write a rather focused insight into the world of one who took her first step down the road of disordered eating as a means of self protection albeit through intelligent, imaginative and deluded thought, and winding up some time late 2013 / early 2014 after an almost life time of failed aggressive suicide attempts, coming to the conclusion that I would passively eat myself to death instead.
hatred of oneself – eventually will kill
I was weighed during October of 2014 as a pre-procedure assessment. I’d hit 200 kg. I have had some dark and destitute years over the course of this lifetime yet I’m reasonably sure that the news of weighing 200 kg was, pun intended, the icing on the cake in recent years. During a phone call to another health professional I mentioned my weight and one of the things she asked me about was if I’d like a referral made to a dietitian. I said ‘yes’.
I named this journal “204 kg” as this is what I weighed Jan 2015. This particular entry is called “An Intro” instead of “The Intro” because I feel there are going to be a few more “intro’s” over the course of this particular journey. I have a lot to ‘unpack’, untangle, consider and process.
I currently weigh 185.4 kg. I am 46 years of age. I have actively processed through to completion, a heap of childhood trauma over the span of 22 years.
What is new to me, is having the opportunity to work with a dietitian. For the purposes of this journal, I have given her the Māori name of ‘Kaiwhakaora Kai’ = ‘food healer’. She has been and is extremely supportive by way of listening, hearing me, teaching me new attitudes towards those numbers on a set of scales. She has supported me by being a teacher willing to walk beside me instead of being a teacher that lectures in front of me. Huge difference.
Kaiwhakaora Kai has supported me by being open and willing to look for food types and recipes that I like to eat. She is helping me look deeply into the relationship I have with food, and things have been changing.
I’m almost too afraid to admit this right now and out loud however currently, I don’t want to die no more. The sun has managed to break through some of the dark dark clouds that have been with me most of my life. Some things have changed for the better in my life. And there are some things that are going to continue to become better the longer I manage to keep myself alive.
Here we go.